2) Sanbrekka, day 46.


Day 46,

"You must fight."
"Grit your teeth and fight."
"Wake up."

I can’t stand fighting any longer.

I want to surrender.

Let me sink. I lost.

"You must live."
"Shut up and live."
"Wake up now."

How can I live after what I've done?

How can I live without you?

How can I live like this?

"You have to."
"Abandon me. Abandon everything. "
"What you were must no longer exist."
"What you have been will no longer exist."
"Now get up."
"WAKE UP NOW."

Thoughts, whispers, dialogues.

My dreams are always tormenting me.

Always ready to unleash a storm.

Infinite currents that follow me and overwhelm me.

I have to learn to live with them.

At least they make sure that I wake up every time.

Being alive, being dead, things are now equivalent.

My life is without purpose.

What's the point of living like this?

Why can’t I come back to you?

To your warm hugs; to your fragrant hair; to your smooth, polished face; to your few freckles; to your big, dreamy eyes ...

I would throw myself into the flames of the sun to be able to see you even just once. Even just one look.

But you're right.

I have to abandon you. I know I have to do it, but I will never succeed.

I have to abandon everything. I do not know how, but I have to move on.

I have to renounce myself. I will not be me anymore, but it's the only way to survive.

I will rip out the first pages of this diary.

My first desperate days in Titran and the infamous day 2 on Lys will no longer exist in this diary.

I'm sure I'll never be able to burn my identity away.

So, I will hide it somewhere, forever, away from the river, far from the world.

I will not exist anymore.

I will be born again.

I will only be The Traveler.

What I have experienced will always burn my condemned soul.

But I will protect the world from myself.

No one will suffer again because of me.

I will be the levee to the looming darkness.

I will remedy my atrocious sins.

I will protect you this time.

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